You are now entering THE TIME WARP

Ok so for this story I am gonna take you back in time to like 2003.  I was 16 and young dumb and full of cum.  Well in my younger days I dabbled in some extra curricular activities. Me and my buddy I will call him Redhead, had been partying, drinking a little, and smoked a little green which ain't that bad -> cause it comes from the ground right. Then Redhead gets the bright idea to try some acid for the first time. Anyone who has ever done acid you know that it comes in 2 forms either liquid or in sheets.  Well for any first timers who are already high and drunk I would advice doing it in sheet form.  So we were sitting at the table when he pulls it out from his pocket.  I take the first hit a drop of it right on my eyelids. Redhead takes his hit and being the clumsy guy he is knocks over the vile of acid.  Being as high and as drunk as I was plus being the idiot that I am, I wiped it up with my hand.  Now if you don't know about acid and soon as it comes into contact with your skin your body absorbs it.  Needless to say I took about 5 more hits all at once.

I am what you call a wandering stonner, which means that when I am high I like to go and do not just sit around.  Me and Redhead get the bright idea to go out to the 7-11 up the road about 2 miles.  Being high and drunk we do the responsible thing and walk cause I don't promote drinking and driving.  We start walking and while doing so I decide to call my other buddy, we will call him Mr. Goody2shoes.  What happens next was told to me the next day by Goody2shoes and Redheads Dad.  While walking down the street, and by now the acid has kicked in, the wind starts kicking up.  There are palm trees all over the sidewalk in my hometown, and their branches hang down over the sidewalks.  So add like 10 hits of acid a whole lot of weed and booze, plus wind and palm trees you end up thinking you are getting attacked.  I swear up and down that I was being chased and attacked by these palm trees.  I ran the whole 2 miles while on the phone to the 7-11 and hid there until Redhead convinced me that I was not being chase and I was gonna be ok.

We make it back to Redheads parents house without even getting anything from 7-11 cause it turns out neither one of us had any money with us.  After getting back to Redheads parents we decide that it would be a good idea to watch Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas,  NOT A GOOD IDEA.  Next thing I know I am cussing up a storm because I swear that someone has taken my legs.  Redheads dad comes in to tell me nicely and I quote, "SHUT THE FUCK UP."  When I tell him that my legs have been stolen he looks at me like I am an Idiot, and says, "Boys this is Fucking Horse Shit."  He then walks out of the room and I drop down on my knees cause well I am missing my legs.  And NO SHIT THERE I WAS chasing his dad around the house on my knees cussing him out for stealing my fucking legs.  And NO SHIT THERE I WAS.

I DO NOT ENDORSE USING DRUGS, SELLING DRUGS, TAKING DRUGS, UNDERAGE DRINKING OR CUSSING OUT YOUR FRIENDS PARENTS!!!!!  BUT IF YOU HAVE A GOOD STORY ABOUT IT GO AHEAD AND TELL ME ABOUT IT.

       

Giveaway

Ok guys so The Wife is doing an awesome giveaway.  Yall need to go over to her page and follow the instructions.  Let her know you are following me and get an extra entry. 

My Awsome Wife

Ok guys so for those of you who don't know me or my wife then you are in for a treat.  So let me just start off by saying I am the luckiest man in the world.  My wife has given my an amazing son I will call him little man.  She also had an amazing daughter that she had when she decided to marry me.. And let me just say that she is as amazing as her brother and I love her as if she is my own.  She has accepted me as her daddy and it is a joy to watch her grow up.

Well now back to my Amazing Wife.  She is the best thing to walk in to my life other then my kids.  I am so glad that I met her and that she decided to marry me.  The funny part is that she almost did not want to date me because of the fact that I am military.  But she looked past that and let me into her life anyway.  We have been through more in the past year of our marriage then most people have in here whole marriage.  We have moved twice been separated by almost 200 miles  right after getting married and while dating and a deployment.  We have been through me getting injured multiple surgeries.  And have still stood by each others side.   She is my rock and my will to quit smoking and better myself.

She is my best friend and I don't know what I would do with out her.  Above is a picture from my wedding on the beach in CA on her first ever trip there and her first time meeting my family.  So this post is just for her.  BABY I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND CANT WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU YOU ARE AMAZING. 

Quiting Smoking

Ok so for those of you who follow The Wife's blog then you know that it is time to QUIT SMOKING.  Now I have tried many times to quit smoking and have never been able to follow through and quit.  So this time I am doing it for sure.  Well so last night I started having cravings for one and so what did I do, that's right I went took a shower grabbed the Wife's coupons and went to town.  I got all of them cut and mind you she had 14 newspapers with 4 inserts per newspaper.  I suck at math but there are a shit ton of coupons. I started cutting last night and still am not done.  Well I have them all cut and now just need to put them up.  Well that is all for now will let you know tomorrow any updates. Because I have to drive from here to Austin to get my Buddie from the airport and he smokes.  FML

ARMY

ARMY
We used to mow our own grass
We used to guard our own gates
We used to run our finance centers, issue facilities, ranges, base police force, life guards… you name it and we took care of our own!
Civilians now do all the things we used to do and get paid 40% more
Yet, clueless politicians only call for a reduction of 5,000 contractors of their 350,000 strong work force, with the removal of 27,000 soldiers who they call “NON ESSENTIAL”
Give the Army back to us!

Fawk You Friday

Ok assholes Mrs. Bitch has told me to do this so here it goes.  Just want to say fawk you to the idiots in my unit who think I aint hurt.  A fawk you to all my old friends who have dropped off the face of the earth.  Fawk you to my daughters mom who still wont let me see her after 3 years.  And a big ol fawk you to ESPN and ABC who did not have the X-Games on in English.  Oh hell ya they had it on deportes and depotes HD but none that speak English how much bull shit is that.  Now if you have read my sea world rant you know how I fell about this topic so you may want to go check that one out.

Bring on the Hot Sauce

Ok guys so if you know me you know that I love my food with a little kick.  Well I also love me some bacon.  So when I found a Bacon Hot Sauce I was like OMG!!!!!   Well needless to say Mrs. Bitch  was a little iffy about trying it, but that ain't never stopped me before.  So as soon as the Bacon Hot Sauce got in the house I cracked it open and gave it a taste.   Let me just start by saying that this shit had some great flavors.  It starts out with a real calm  bacon flavor with just the right amount of smokiness.  And then out of no where 

 

That is the only way I can describe what happened in my mouth.  It felt like it was in an old super hero movie and I had just got punched in the face.  It was one of the greatest tastes I have had in a hot sauce in a long time.  The best part is that it just gives the right flavor to ketchup and to bbq sauce.  Goes well on just about everything I have tried it on.  Lets just say I cant wait to order my next batch.You can order some at http://www.baconhotsauce.com/collections/all

Reponse to last No Shit Story

Ok guys here is what happened after my last No Shit Story which happens to be a No Shit Story in and of itself.  So after getting caught a second time the Lt. ended up getting moved to another unit on another base.  I wish I could have been so lucky.  I end up having to PAINT ROCKS with a water colors paintbrush. The rocks that I had to paint had to fill up a 10X10 area.  I was told the rocks had to painted one side white and one side red and had to be placed in a shield pattern half white half red.  So I get all done, after about a week, AND NO SHIT THERE I WAS, smoking a cigarette and this mother fucker walks up and says half the rocks are sunburned flip em over so the other side can get a tan.  AND NO SHIT THERE I WAS

Another No Shit Story for you

Ok all here is another No Shit story for yall. This story takes place once again, in Korea.   So lets get this going ...  SO NO SHIT THERE I WAS...  hooking up with this LT.  Let me say in my defense she was not in my section but she was in my unit.  Well lets just make this long story short and say NO SHIT THERE I WAS BALLS DEEP IN THIS LT, IN AN APACHE NO LESS, AND MY PLATOON SERGEANT WALKS UP.  He looks right at us shakes his head and walks away.  Well thinking I had dodged a bullet we finish up.  I mean come on now you did not think that would stop me did you.  Well I get back to the office thinking I had gotten away with a big no no, but I ain't a lucky person.  Well I get a firm talking to and a high five but get told I have a no contact order for this Lt.
    I wish I could say that the story ended there but it didn't.  Well I ain't never been the brightest crayon in the box.  Well I end up at her apartment a couple weeks later.  And being the nice guy that I am I make her dinner and after a couple glasses of wine one thing leads to another.  Well I got her bent over her balcony railing just going to town and I look across the way and low and behold there is the Command Sergeant Major just looking at us.  Well we know each other pretty well so he recognizes me right away.  Well to make things worse he is an ordain minister and does not believe in sex before wedlock .  Well at this point I know I am fucked.  So to make a long story short NO SHIT THERE I WAS CAUGHT BALLS DEEP IN THIS LT. NOT ONCE BUT TWICE...

Our trip to Hershey's theme park

Guest post written by Adrianna Cox
When I first heard years ago that there was such thing as a Hershey's theme park, I thought that it sounded like the best thing in the world. Well it's taken us years to actually getting around to going to it, but I thought that it would be good for our family to go there as part of our vacation this summer.
I've been doing a whole lot of research trying to find what to expect once we get there to the park. One night while I was doing that about a week ago, I saw the website http://cleartvbundle.com and after I looked through it some, I decided to sign up for one of the internet packages that I found on there.
I'm so excited to go to this theme park! I'm a huge chocolate fan and I've read online that the park even smells like chocolate! I think that this will be so great and so much fun to do. Needless to say, I think that I'm really going to enjoy this vacation, or at least the part of it that we're going to spend at Hershey's.

Children

So for those of you who don't know me here is the softer side of me.  Well I have a daughter who lives with her mom in upstate NY who i dont get to see very much.  And the state of NY has ran me in circles but I finally had someone there who is willing to help me and even thanked me for my service they are not all bad.

Korea 2007

Ok so NO SHIT THERE I WAS, February 2007 still stuck in Korea but fixing to come home soon.  Well me and a couple guys head out to the Ville, which if you don't know it is the area right outside of post, to have a wild night of drinks.  Well we start heading back into post around 2330, which is 1130 at night for all you civies, since curfew to get back on post is midnight.  Well needless to say we are all severely drunk and I have no clue how the hell we made it back onto post.  But once we get on post its time to wait for the bus, well after drinking all night I had to pee.  So I do what any man would, go and find a building to piss on.  Well I never said I was the brightest and well I end up pissing on the MP station wall.  For those of you who don't know the MP's are the Military Police.  Well this is a bad idea and if I get caught then I am fucked and spending the night in that very same building.  Well as I am standing there to cut it short the back door OPENS.  Now about this time I am gonna pause for the effect again...

Well I am thinking worst case scenario it is gonna be an mp who is just gonna crack my head in. But damn did I get lucky it is only my commander and First Sargent, now some would say how the hell is that better.  Now if you asked that question you ain't never been to korea.  Well I guess they were picking up one of our guys who had been caught taking a piss on the mp station wall.  Well after a nice little chew out session they take me back to the barracks which is great cause I missed the damn bus and it is a 3 mile walk.  Well you must be asking by now where the No shit there I was part is, well lets just say there is more to this night I wish I could say that it ended there but oh no the night was just getting started.

Well I get back to the barracks and my roommate Frenchy is in the room with we will call him Karl.  Now these 2 are both so drunk it was like trying to carry on a conversation with Boomhower from king of the hill.  Well the first thing I can decipher is that Karl got a new Dale Jr. jacket.  SO being drunk I decide fuck this I am going to bed.  Well I look over and my bed is made perfectly, which I did not do.  So I am thinking to myself what did these 2 drunk fucks do now.  So i go to pull back the bedding and what do I find.  MY BED IS FULL OF SHAVING CREAM. Fuck me running I go off on these 2 and what do they say to me, "well it was a good idea at the time." And to make things worse they used all MY shaving cream.  And NO SHIT THERE I WAS, STANDING OVER A BED FULL OF SHAVING DEBATING HOW MANY YEARS I WOULD GET FOR KILLING THESE 2. AND NO SHIT THERE I WAS    

Sea World Trip

Ok so I was told that I had to do my rant from my recent trip to sea world.  So anyways let me just say that I still support SEA WORLD and their affiliation with Anheuser-Busch.  They do great things for the military and support us so I will support them.  But Holy Shit I cant even begin to describe how disgusted I was on this last trip to Sea World.  Let me just say that I went about 4 or 5 days after having back surgery due to a promise I had made to my daughter.  It all started when I got sent to the counter to go get the military tickets which where FREE for all of us, but anyways you have to go to a special counter to get them.  Well while I was waiting in line behind like 3 or 4 groups of people and every single one of them was speaking spanish to the people at the counter.  Now I am a firm believer that if you are going to be here learn to speak English.  Well another counter opened up and the group in front of us went to go to the counter and started speaking spanish to this poor girl working there, who you could tell did not speak a lick of their language.  So needless to say instead of doing what I would have and told them to FUCK OFF she had to go find someone who spoke THEIR language so now 2 counters are taken up by this people who won't learn to speak the language of the country they are living in.  BUT OH FUCK the primary language of the UNITED STATES is now SPANISH are you fucking kidding me.  But this is just the start of the day.  

Once we get into the park it is a whole other story.  SO for anyone who has been to a theme park know that they make announcements over the intercom  system in the park.  Well they make all the announcements in English (which I would expect) but they also do them in spanish WTF are you kidding me.  Well almost all announcements are in both English and spanish except for the "smoking is only allowed in designated smoking areas" which is only in English.  So I asked my buddy if thats is cause it only applied to the white people in the park, at which point he laughed and said no maybe they just thought they could understand what the hell it was saying.  Well low a behold guess who was right.... just a pause for effect

I WAS that's right it only applied to the white folks there.  Now you ask this cant be right but it is.  How do I know, well lets just say I was standing around smoking FUCK the designated smoking area and this well I cant think of a better word so I am gonna call him a beaner walks up and asks me in ENGLISH for a smoke well not being racist and he did speak English when he asked me for a smoke I gave it to him.  Well a worker of this fine park walked straight up to me with this guy next to me and says sir you cant smoke here.  I say ok and start to walk away but this BEANER just keeps standing there smoking the worker just looks at him then walks away and does not say anything.  So this just pisses me off to no end so I go off on the worker and her excuses for not telling him was that she did not think he spoke English and sense she did not speak spanish it was just whatever.  Oh hell no fuck that.  I smoked where ever I wanted to the rest of the day and when they came up to me I said in English to the "Oh sorry I don't speak English so I guess I can do whatever."  So after the wife saying I needed to stop before I got kicked out of the park, Which if I kept up the way I was acting with how pissed I was plus medication raged rant and smart assness would have happened.  But she finally got pissed when we went to a kids show. When we got inside we had the baby in the stroller, which we put next to her grandma who was in a wheelchair out of the way.  Well there was this group of beaners also with their stroller next to them about 5 feet from us and the lady comes up to us and says we cant have the stroller there.  Well about this time we go off.  "Why the fuck are you telling us and not them over there?"  And she just keeps going on about how we cant have the stroller there. About this time the wife takes the baby out so that way he can see the show.  I look at the lady who is of latino decent and tell her I don't speak English at which point she looks at me and tells me in spanish to which I replied " No hablo español."   Now she is really confused and asks what i do speak  to which I replied "  Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" Which for those of you who dont know is "do you speak German," which is all I know how to say in German. At this point she gives up and gets on her little walkie and walks away. I am going fuck this chick just called to ask for help and is going to get me kicked out of the park well fuck that if I am going out of the park they are gonna get a piece of my mind. I am just so tired of all the FUCKING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS who think that we owe them something I say FUCK YOU go back to where the fuck you came from.  Now dont get me wrong I am all for doing it the right way and getting your papers but all these god damn BORDER JUMPING WETBACKS are really starting to piss me off.

When I cant walk through a crowd and saying excusse me and a grown man turns around and says that he dont speak english and his kid says sorry and he tell his kid that we dont speak english. It just makes me want to punch them in the face.  

IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU WELL FUCK YOU DON'T READ IT!!! I AIN'T RACIST I HATE EVERYONE SO FUCK YOU IF YOU SAY THAT I AM.

First rant for yall

So the wife asked me to go to this horrible site called Vocalpoint.com and sign up.  So being the good husband that I try to be I go and try to sing up this is what it says after the first page of signing up and I quote,

"Thanks for your inquiry into Vocalpoint. Unfortunately, we are only accepting new members who meet specific requirements. The information and content that Vocalpoint provides is tailored to specific groups of women, and we do not want to send you things that may not be of interest to you."
     Well damn if it did not interest me why the hell would i request to join.  I hate websites that say you have to be this demo in order to get in.  We say we will not be sexist and that we are all equal but I guess that only works one way don't it.  Don't get me wrong I am not hating on women by any stretch of the imagination but I think its bullshit that we only recognize stay at home MOMS but not stay at home DADS.  This is just like being white and trying to get into the NAACP but i don't even want to get started on that. 

Korea 2006

Ok so no shit there I was November 2006 in one of the coldest places I have ever been good ole' Korea.  So this nite was a special one seeing as it was the first snow of the year.  So for a bunch of drunk soldiers who have been cooking our asses off for the whole summer this was a welcome sight.  Well being the smart guys we are we all figure we will stay warm if we put a little more Crown and coke in our stomachs, we never said we were the brightest.  Well to get to the heart of the story my buddy we will call him Frenchy, decides while I am up making a drink to get in a snow ball fight.  SO you may ask what do you do when you are wearing a pair of jeans no jacket and you have a empty crown and coke cup.  Well you put it in your back pocket of course.  Now any other time this would be a great idea but when you are picking up snow off the ground with a cup in your back pocket it just turns into a bad day.  Mind you what happens next took place over the 10 mins I was upstairs making a drink.  Well needless to say Frenchy ripped the ass out of his pants but why just stop there.  I mean you are drunk the ass is out of your pants so what do you have all the other people out there with you rip the rest of your pant leg off.  Well to get to the no shit there i was part... Frenchy walks into the room, missing his entire right pant leg and delivers the greatest one liner of all time.  His response to the question of and i quote "Dude where the hell are your pants?"  his response to this in the straightest face ever, " There in my pocket" as he starts pulling sherds of pant leg out of his left pocket.  And NO SHIT THERE I WAS!!!

Ok guys here we go

Ok guys so this is my first post so lets see how this goes.  Well welcome all to No Shit There I Was.  I will tell yall some crazy no shit stories from my time in the army and my crazy family.  And trust me you will be entertained.